worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
