you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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