I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
