sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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