i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
