Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.