Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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