you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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