I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
