I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
