What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
