I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
