so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
