Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I smell like Dick and happiness
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
