Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
