Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
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I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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