stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
