Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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