I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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