bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
