Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
