Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
