"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
