ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
