My liver just broke up with me...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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