Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
