I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have demons in me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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