If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
