some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
