everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You dont lie about slip and slides
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
