dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
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I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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