god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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