I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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