can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
birth control should be required to get into college
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
