you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
