He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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