i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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