i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
