Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this is an emotional support booty call
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
