you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
