My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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