I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
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That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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