I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
