you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
