My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
