There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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