Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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