We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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