I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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