Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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