they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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