bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
