somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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